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Intensive Writing
3 weeks, 6 assignments, ADVANCED REVIEW |
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SAT Essay 1 - Essay on School Uniforms/Essay on Leadership
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| Description |
Some studies show that high school students learn better when the school requires them to wear uniforms. Do you think more schools should experiment with requiring students to wear uniforms? Write an essay in support of your answer. Support your position with appropriate arguments and examples.
As an alternative, write an essay explaining whether or not you agree with the following proverb's view of the power of leadership: "An army of sheep led by a lion would defeat an army of lions led by a sheep." Use appropriate reasons, examples, and illustrations to support your view. |
| Instructions |
To get used to the time pressure on the SAT, You should spend 25 minutes total in planning and writing your essay. Do the best you can within that limit. A rule of thumb for length will be 5-6 paragraphs. If you have the ideas and time to write more paragraphs than that, you can certainly do so.
Please skip a line between paragraphs. |
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| Submit Date |
3/18/2006 |
| Reviewed By |
Dr. Barton (TX) (Email Tutor) |
| Review Date |
3/22/2006 |
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| Tutor Comments |
Welcome to Intensive Writing. You are off to a really good start, Westlight.
This essay's introduction quickly establishes its position on the topic, then moves in an organized fashion from paragraph to paragraph. Your writing is clear and grammatically correct. In other words, all the basics are here. Now let's focus on all the things you can do improve your score.
A common problem with SAT essays is a tendency to rely on grand generalizations that sound, well, grand. However, these generalizations are not persuasive; they almost always oversimplify complex issues. Your essay's introduction asserts that requiring school uniforms could save us from the decline of the U.S. as a world superpower. The problem is, superpower status relies on far too many variables ever to boil down to school uniforms. (Look down at your conclusion for a much better thesis paragraph.)
Now let's talk about topic sentences and examples. Ideally, begin each paragraph by stating what it will contribute to your overall argument. Your essay's next paragraph offers two great reasons for school uniforms: they can save money for families and they enable kids to be judged by their personalities not their outfits. Use a topic sentence to unify these two reasons (e.g. with school uniforms, kids from poorer families would have a better shot at being judged by their personalities rather than their outfits). Now you need a specific example to support your idea. Drawing from your own experiences at school would be a great starting point.
A good example is one that supports your claim with a piece of evidence or an apt illustration (not to be confused with assertions). In paragraph #3 you write, "At any high salary job, formal dress is required." This is an assertion (and a generalization) not an example. Lacking specific examples or proof, the reader instantly thinks of counter-examples (e.g. movie directors, brain surgeons, pro athletes). Then you have lost us. The number one scoring factor for SAT essays is persuasiveness. Try to aim for a more precise thesis that you can develop and defend with specific examples. Draw from your own knowledge base so that you can avoid unsupported assertions.
I am confident you will master this challenge. Your essay, as I noted above, demonstrates solid writing skills. Your sentences are readable and flow smoothly. In addition, you have an abundance of good ideas, generating many reasons for your position on school uniforms! So the trick is to learn how to focus on your best reasons and support them with detailed examples.
Best of luck with your next essay.
Ms. Barton
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| Corrected SAT Essay |
More U.S. high schools should require students to wear uniforms. Many studies show that implementing a school-uniform policy will improve attitude and schoolwork. Test scores in the U.S. have been dropping, and with it them [plural] the United States' status as a world superpower. Requiring school uniforms could save us from this decline. [Try not to overstate the facts. See comment above.]
{Ideally, each paragraph will offer a topic sentence that takes us from the previous point in your argument to the next. Notice how the transition from superpower in decline to families saving money is rather abrupt.} School uniforms will save families money on clothing. Since students will always wear the same uniform to school, families will not need to buy more outfits for that student. [You shift topics here.] Some argue that requiring uniforms infringes on a student's freedom. However, requiring uniforms will not threaten a student's individual freedom because there are a variety of other things that makes you "you" besides clothing. People would be noticed for their personalities rather than for what they wear. [Excellent point. Now if only we had an example....]
Wearing uniforms creates an environment conducive to learning. At any high salary office job, formal dress is required. [Generalization, not persuasive.] This is done to promote a serious environment to encourage employees to work productively. This would work especially well in high schools, where students tend to goof off. With uniforms, students would be more focused and learn more efficiently. [Can you think of an example that would show how uniforms improve focus? Sports? Military?]
School uniforms are common in nations around the world, especially the major economic global powers. [Evidence?] The U.S. has been declining economically. A strong economy is a result of a society that puts emphasis on education. Requiring school uniforms could improve test scores and, in turn, bring the United States back up to its status as a superpower.
The purpose of high school is to prepare students for college and employment. To get a good job, a student must receive a good education. Studies show that high school students learn better when the school requires them to wear uniforms. [Hey, I found your thesis paragraph! These three sentences would get your essay off to an excellent start by asserting a strong position, with no overstatements, that would lead well into your examples.] Buying a school uniform is often cheaper for parents in the long run because students won't need much other clothing. Increasing the level of education in the U.S. will be beneficial to the economy. In conclusion, requiring school uniforms will be advantageous in every aspect. [No need to say "in conclusion" or write a vague summarizing sentence your concluding paragraphs.]
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