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Intensive Writing
3 weeks, 6 assignments, ADVANCED REVIEW |
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SAT Essay 2 - Essay on Humor/Essay on Sports
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| Description |
It is often said that people reveal their inner selves through their reaction to humor. Goethe put it, "Men show their characters in nothing more clearly than in what they think laughable." As another writer observed, "A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the Joke he resents." Explain why you agree or disagree with these views. Use appropriate reasons, examples, and illustrations to support your view.
Alternative topic: Other observers contend that people reveal their character when they participate in athletic competition. Aggressiveness, beligerence, even a tendency to cheat can all come to the surface, they say -- in people who do not otherwise demonstrate those traits. In your experience, does competition often bring out new personality traits in athletes? Use appropriate reasons, examples, and illustrations to support your view. |
| Instructions |
Spend about 25 minutes in planning and writing your essay. Rule of thumb for length is 5-6 paragraphs.
Please skip a line between paragraphs. |
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| Submit Date |
3/10/2006 |
| Reviewed By |
Mr. Delk (TX) (Email Tutor) |
| Review Date |
3/15/2006 |
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| Tutor Comments |
Henry,
Very well-written essay, here. Your introduction starts of very specifically, very visually, and it lets me know exactly what you're going to say. The examples also work well. But I do have some tips to help make it even better.
First off, it seems like the essay gets weaker as it goes on. You have a solid introduction, a great first example, and a second example that works pretty well. But I think it could use a little more specific information. Since AI succeeded in this example, maybe specifically something he did that showed he was good enough to attempt this. One particular shot or play that overcame the negative aspects of what he was doing.
I also think a third example would be beneficial. Your first two work well, but I'm not completely convinced by the end. Maybe using Barry Bonds and his goal to break the home run record. That pressure led him to most likely use steriods. Kind of a counterpoint to AI, since he set a goal and had to cheat to achieve it.
Moving further down, your conclusion could definitely be stronger. Check out the notes in the essay below for each sentence. Basically, you went from a very visual, specific introduction, through a couple of solid examples, and into a conclusion that was very vague and unspecific. This is your last chance to convince your reader that you are right. Make sure it's as persuasive as anything else you've said.
One more minor note is to be careful about using cliches in your writing. At first, things like "Time is of the essence" sound really good. That's why they're cliches. But they've been used so often they have lost the originality that made them so successful. You're better off using your own words and saying specifically what you mean, than using something that others have said so many times.
Overall, this is a good essay. You're set to score well on the SAT, so keep up the hard work. See you next time,
Mr. Delk |
| Corrected SAT Essay |
Athletes are always under pressure. Whether that pressure comes from the coach, the clock, or the sideline, it acts as a constant motivating force. [Nicely written line. Very visual and delivers your point well.] While competing, the athlete can convert that motivation into any action that will bring about the desired outcome, even if it means getting rough. As long as an athlete's desire to win is stronger than the rest of his motives, he will unleash the beast [kind of a cliche. You're better off coming up with an original way to describe them getting physical] that would otherwise be kept behind bars.
Time is of the essence [another cliche. These take away from your writing because they are so commonly written. Even saying, "Time is the key to winning" is more powerful for you, even though it doesn't sound as good at first] in almost all competitive sports, especially in football. A player's attitude and character can change drastically as the clock winds down. For instance, look through the eyes of an NFL quarterback. He calculates and performs his plays as steadily as possible; he has trained himself to remain composed throughout the game. However, when there are two minutes left on the clock and his team is losing by six, there is no doubt that he will undergo a change in personality. As the game slips away with each second, the quarterback will show his aggressiveness by increasing the pace of the game and making riskier plays. His desire to carry his team to victory will overcome his typcially cool stature. [Good example, well written. You could probably use at least another sentence with a specific quarterback or a specific risk. Whether it was successful or not, an example of a long, risky pass or a crazy qb run that affected the outcome of the game would hammer this home.]
Pressure can also result from personal goals. An athlete with high aspirations will stop at nothing to obtain his dreams. A great example of this is Allen Iverson of the Philadelphia 76ers. During a playoff game, his goal was to score a total of fifty points - a task that only a select few NBA stars have accomplished. Iverson's internal motivation drove him to hog the ball, nearly foul himself out of the game, and attempt offensive plays [this worked, but maybe something more specific, like "take more difficult shots"] that were unheard of in NBA history. Ultimately, he reached his goal and is known today as one of the strongest - and most belligerent - points guards in the league.
Surely, athletes who despise pressure and stress are the ones who are embarassed to show their true personality.[This is a bit weaker than most of what you've written. It's pretty vague, and doesn't add a whole lot to your essay. This is the place for a very specific, very strong statement to begin your conclusion.] But in fact, it is only natural for one to reaveal one's inner selves during a fierce contest. Observers were right when they concluded that competition breeds character. [Overall, this conclusion needs to be more specific and more persuasive. You've got solid examples and a very strong introduction, don't finish off with vague conclusion.]
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